I See You
Building Community
It is a small gesture, but when you are trying to cross four lanes of traffic at the corner of West 7th and Goodrich, the gesture and the recognition matters. Each Tuesday I navigate that stretch of road in order to join long time colleagues and friends for breakfast at the Day By Day Café. Sometimes, too often, I feel virtually invisible as cars speed by seemingly unaware or uninterested in a pedestrian hoping to safely make it to the other side. But, invariably there is a person who sees me, slows down and motions for me to cross. Since it is four lanes, I never take one person’s stopping as sufficient, but what often seems to be the case is that if one person stops it triggers other people doing the same thing. It is good to be seen.
There are, of course, times when we are happy to be unseen, live in the shadows, without attention drawn to ourselves. It can be freeing, liberating to live in one’s own thoughts or simply have what is often called “alone time.” A young mom I know recently took a pass on a last minute dinner invitation, opting instead for a peanut butter and jelly sandwich alone at home. She wanted a quiet respite from her family with their two young children, whom she deeply loves.
But, even if we value time on our own, being unseen, all of us also know the value and importance of being seen. Following Michelle Obama’s speech at the Democratic National Convention, a group of PBS commentator’s offered their reflections on Obama’s speech. Jonathan Capehart, an African American commentator and journalist for the Washington Post, took a pass when first asked about his thoughts. Finally, when everyone else had spoken, they returned to Jonathan. With his voice quaking and tears misting in his eyes he said, “I feel seen. And I think people in this hall feel seen and I am certain millions of Americans feel seen.” Capehart felt seen because Michelle Obama named and spoke to his reality, his experience in ways that he seldom heard in such a public setting. I see you. Such recognition can be powerful, especially if it comes from a place of compassion, caring and a willingness to acknowledge and affirm the other person’s experience.
We don’t have to agree. We don’t have to see the same way. But, when someone is willing to give credence to our concerns, give legitimacy to our experience, it can lead to deep feelings of being seen. In his book, Healing the Heart of Democracy, Parker Palmer suggests that it is this orientation toward one another that is fundamental for our communities, our nation and democracy. He states, “As long as we equate the stranger with the enemy, there can be no civil society, let alone a democracy where much depends on holding the tension of differences without fearing or demonizing the other.”
It matters little what one’s political affiliation or orientation is, the principle of seeing the other, whether stranger or neighbor, remains. It doesn’t require our acceptance of attitudes or beliefs to which we strongly object. It does call upon us to ground our disagreements in a respectful shared humanity. It requires we see one another and not simply keep going as if their life experiences have no meaning.
There is much about our polarized world that often gets discouraging. Even local issues with little or no party affiliation can become contentious. At such times it is tempting to drive on by those with whom we disagree as if they were not there. A more helpful strategy is to slow down, stop and let the person know they are seen. Often, it only takes one to do the seeing and others quickly join. Next time I am at West 7th and Goodrich, trying to cross over to Day By Day Cafe, I will be looking for that person who acknowledges, “I see you.”
